Blogs from the Past: A Theory on Men Between the Ages of 24-35

Originally posted on November 5th, 2007:

"I am 16, going on 17--they say that I'm naive.

Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet, and willingly, I believe."

--The Sound of Music

I am 26. I am an old maid in Montana, yet too young to think about marriage in New York. I am fine with this. The theory that I am about to impose onto your brains can easily be reversed and applied to women. But since I am a heterosexual woman who has been dating men, this theory is directed towards them based on my findings.

Men in this age group can be divided into two sectors--men who want to date to find a wife and men who feel their later 20's, earlier 30's are their golden years and want conquests. I have dated 24 year olds who wanted to get serious and 34 year olds who act like they are 19 and just discovered girls (and maybe for some of them, they have).

Enter what I call, the Trophy Wife Fantasy. Every single guy that I have asked if this is when they want, has lied, to my face. And the reason why I say they lie, is because no man who wants the T.W. will ever admit that they are looking for the T.W. because it sounds like they are stuck in the 1950's. But these are all the guys any girl has dated around whom she felt she could not truly be herself. This is the guy who tells you how beautiful you are, then tells you that you should never tell that joke again because "it sucked", or who puts down any idea that you have of bettering yourself and following your passions. This is the guy who will tell you what you should and shouldn't like. Unfortunately, I have found myself in this situation one too many times, and just recently, I called a guy out on what he really wanted from a woman:

"You want a beautiful, trophy wife who will always look nice because that is her job. To you. You don't want a wife to have as a friend; you want a prize."

No. That's ridiculous. No one wants just a prize anymore. Really? Have you ever dated a woman who you know was more intelligent than you, even just a little? Did that bother you, even the tiniest bit, ever?

Now, before everyone gets worked up, I am definitely not saying that the T.W. is what all men want. It isn't. I know plenty of men who like girls that are funny, and smart--"sugar, spice, and everything nice"--girls who aren't afraid to look silly in front of someone they happen to also be sleeping with.

But the kind of men who do want the Trophy Wife have never admitted it. Which brings me to the next question, is this because they don't really want that but have been trained to want a certain type of woman who looks good and does a fine job of sending the kids off to school or choosing a nanny? What does marriage mean to this type of man?

This guy came at my friends and I in a bar not too long ago with some pick up line. I asked him, and I wasn't trying to be mean or vicious, or embarrass him at all--"What are you looking for?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, what are you looking for, in a woman?" I paused. "Are you looking for someone to go home with, or someone you might want to date? Are you looking for someone who could also be a friend to you, or just someone who looks good? What kind of girl do you want?"

The guy blushed. "Uh, I was just asking a question. Excuse me." He turned and said something to his friend and practically ran out of the bar. They didn't even try to hit on another group of girls--they just wanted to leave the premises as soon as possible.

I know I was overanalyzing his motivations/intentions, but I really was curious to see if this average, guy-in-a-bar had even thought about it. Because, let's face it--I may not want to be married before I'm 30, but I know damn well what I want in a man. I think every girl has a list of qualities she looks for, along with a list of "forgiveables", like if she has the perfect guy for her but he still leaves the seat up, or maybe she swore she's never date a guy who spends more time on his hair than she does, but he lets her wear sweats whenever she wants, and honestly, he does have nice hair. What I want, though, is someone I can be old with. I want someone who keeps me entertained well after my skin sags and my memory turns to shit and my wit and tongue sharpen and become as unguarded as a back window left open. Someone is going to have to pass me my dentures, and someone is going to have to remind me which grandkids belong to which son/daughter. I am going to be a great grandma, that I can tell you already. I make some mean cupcakes, and I have a book of stories going for the little ears. I might never know how to sew, but I can play Bunko! with the rest of 'em. And I think qualities such as these are excellent selling points. I don't ever want to be bored or forced to choose between a family and my passions--I believe you can have both. Life is about balance and effort. You would think that more people in general would think about the long term ramifications in choosing or not choosing someone to be your partner.

Maybe I'm just being silly.